Fierce Day

Today started out on a rough note (as shared on the Fierce Love: A 9-month Body Homecoming course [http://www.fiercelove.me/bodyhomecoming/] forum) :

"You're just a fat chick trying to justify being fat!

Since signing up for this course and starting to do some of the work, those are the words that keep replaying in  my head...and no matter what I do, no matter how much breathing, and loving, and focusing on the positives I try to do - it won't shut the F up!

Instead of just sitting here letting it fester and grow and get uglier and stronger and louder, I decided I'd just throw it up here for you all to see.

Thoughts?"

The day transitioned into contemplative reflections (as posted on Face Book) :

"Keely Sanderson is in a bit of quiet contemplative mood today...not bad, not good, neither here, nor there. Just noticing the world, my inner thoughts/feelings/reactions, and how they fit (or don't fit) together. Must be a blog in the making...but until then, just quiet contemplation."

Today ended with inspiration (I happened upon an impromptu jam session at  my fav local coffee shop where a local musician shared his song  "Bright Side " [listen to it here: http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_8581395]. The words in his song inspired me write) :

"If every single thing hadn't happened the way it did, with the people it did, at the time and place it did I could not and would not be in this very moment. If I had been any different, looked any different, felt any different or believed any different at the time that I experienced any part of life I would not have evolved to be the me I am in this very moment. At some point I may have ended up here, but it wouldn't be now. Yes, I would have eventually become close to the person that I am now, but it wouldn't be this precise me. All the shit and all the bliss that I am wading through would be multiplied and the getting through it would be much different. I have just what I can handle for today, and I am grateful for it. I shuddered to think that it could have taken me any longer to be right where I am, right in the now, had I chosen any other direction. If I were 10 pounds lighter, or one pound heavier it may have not turned out this way. In fact if I looked any other way, weighed anything different, laughed any different, cried any less, or wore a different size I would not be who I am preciously, currently. THIS is exactly were I need to be. Right here. THIS is exactly who I need to be. Right like this. Right now. It is the perfect moment for this moment. It is the perfect moment to be the perfect me. This specific day..hour...minute...moment. This specific Me. Fierce! Perfect."

Watch out - I'm IN!!

Just a quick note to shout it out:

I MADE IT INTO THE FIERCE LOVE COURSE!!!!!!

After my birthday bash yesterday I had $465 total from my lovely, amazing, friends and family. The course cost $500 and since I had a little tucked away, I was able to pay for the balance and sign up.

It's going to be a BIG FIERCE 9 months...

....stay tuned!

Big Birthday Wishes

June 1. It's my birthday, it's a celebration, it's every thing lovely. I love my birthday and plan to always celebrate it in a big fierce way. As I embark on this next year of my life I wish for a fierceness and boldness to grow in me with such ferver that I can hardly hold it in.  When I blow out my candles today I will be setting the intention to grow to love myself and be comfortable in my own skin and in this glorious body a little more every day.

One of the best parts of birthdays is opening gifts. I love the way the paper feels under my fingers right before I rip into it. I love the sight of tissue paper and the crinkling sound it makes as I dive in. And, I've always liked "things." I like to have stuff and to be surrounded by what I enjoy. But this year I've had this ephinay and I realize that I'm the best thing I've got going for myself and there is nothing better than I can invest in than me. It feels a little selfish and it seems a little (a lot, actually!) self centered, but I really need to focus in on me. Yes, my true birthday wish is for Fierce Love.

For the past several weeks I've been soliciting my friends and family for birthday gift donations towards an online course that the same ladies who created the Fierce Love for Every Body facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/FierceLoveEveryBody) are running. I've told my friends and family that this year I don't want more stuff, I want to take this class . The response has been really uplifting. The course starts tomorrow and I've recieved almost enough to pay for it! I'll know the grand total by the end of the day. 

The title of the class is "Fierce Love: A Nine Month Body Homecoming" (http://www.fiercelove.me/bodyhomecoming/) . Doesn't that sound fabulous? I can't believe the timing on the start date (the day after my birthday! How sweet is that?!) and feel, to the depth of my being, that I am meant to take this class. For the next nine months, I will be moving through some life changing ideas and expercing even more paradigm shifts. The excietment I am feeling can't be matched!

Now, please excuse me, I hear a birthday cake calling my name...

Tummy Time

Recently I was at a friend's home enjoying a rare moment of watching cable tv when a commercial for a new fashion program popped on. The concept of the show is for the fashion designer to find a dress that fits the body type and occasion for the women participants. A new episode will highlight, Abbie, a military wife who is about to see her husband for the first time in several months since his deployment. The designer has Abbie try on a very flattering, body hugging, saucy little pink vintage dress that looks absolutely fabulous! When she stands in front of the mirror, all that Abbie can focus on, though, is how the dress clings to her body and how badly she thinks it make her tummy look. First of all, Abbie looked A-mazing in the dress. Second of all, Abbie's tummy didn't look bad in the dress at all - sure it pooched ever-so-slightly - but not to the extent that she carried on about it (she kept running her hands on her midsection as if to iron away her stomach's shape). And, thirdly, I highly doubt that her husband, after not seeing (or touching) his wife for several months, would have spent even a nanosecond of the time Abbie spent looking at, let alone scrutinizing, that one section of her body.


I instantly felt very, very sad for Abbie, but I also recognized her anxiety. I recognized her body image issue from a personal struggle but also as a struggle from every single one of my lady friends. I have yet to find a woman who has not over-critiqued herself standing in front of the mirror or who has deemed an outfit unworthy due to a body image issue even in the face of friends telling her how amazing she looks in it. I have a very clear memory of getting ready for girls not out and trying on an amazing low cut top to show my friends before heading out. All I could do was focus on the imperfect body that caused the material of the shirt to pucker in places that horrified me. One of my friends grabbed my face, looked me in the eyes, then dropped her glance and tilted her head towards my (amazing, if I do say so myself) cleavage and said, "Ummmmm, I don't think anyone's gonna notice your tummy." I giggled, considered her words, and, I'm embarrassed to say, changed the shirt.


All of this tummy talk led me to one of my favorite activities: people watching. People watching has always fascinated me and since I've been on a quest towards fierce love and acceptance of my body, I find myself noticing all the glorious variations of bodies that surround me. This past weekend while out and about, I turned my attention to women's midsections and the results were mind blowing. In my observations I came up with the, highly unscientific, conclusion that approximately .8% of the tummies I checked out could be deemed as "perfect." And those .8% women were fully clothed, so I'm left to wonder if their abs included any imperfections that couldn't be detected through clothing...and I have a creeping suspicion that even those ladies have their share self loathing moments in front of the mirror.  


The most interesting part of my midsection review is that none of the bodies that I glanced at caused me repulsion. Yet I have, literally, been so repulsed by own body that I wouldn't even wear certain clothing because of the anxiety it caused me. And yet, there I was just noticing how stomachs looked and had no reaction other than just observing. How is it that an area of one's body can cause such tremendous personal turmoil and to another person it means nothing?


I've got a hunch – a gut feeling (pun intended) – that if I could look at myself through those some non-critical, observation-only eyes that I used this weekend, I'd notice a much different me. Yes, you there lady in the mirror, your stomach does pooch out. Hey, self, yep – two pregnancies (not to mention puberty, weight gain/loss, age) has, indeed, left some stretch marks and a jiggly belly. There is nothing more to say, feel, or critique here...so, walk away from the mirror and go have a big fierce day.





P.S. Check out this amazing song "Pot Belly" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObVpeJ6U2G4

Fierce Solo Love

If I ever utter the words “you complete me” to someone, it better be only to my own reflection in the mirror. If I can't be complete in my own skin and in my own company then I really don't have any business being romantically involved with someone thinking that they will bring completion. Since being rejected several weeks back I have taken some serious inventory of not only the characters in my dating history but the role they have played. I've thoroughly thought over the people I dated and contemplated (heavily!) why I put up with their shit for any longer than 10 minutes after the shit was exposed.

Admittedly, some of these thoughts would not have occurred to me if it hadn't been for the book He's Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, which I recently devoured in one evening. Since this isn't a book review blog (and, more importantly, since I'm not getting paid to write reviews) I won't go in to a long discussion on the book. But I will say that it is a fantastic read and it is painfully straight forward. I highly recommend it. While the book is targeted for straight single females - I think any one (straight, bi, gay, female, male, single, married, divorced) can glean from it ideas about being treated well by people we allow in our life and not lowering one's standards simply to avoid being alone.

Fierce body love is officially no longer just skin deep for me...I'm starting to fiercely love my soul, too. In fact, I love my soul so fiercely and care in such a big way about where my life is going, that I'm ready to consider that just might mean me being partner-less and single...and, I think I'm (going to be) okay with that. There is so much I hate about being single– the dateless weekend nights, the dateless weekday nights, not having someone to look forward to seeing, being alone in the evenings, no regular sex, having no one to share responsibilities, fun, laughter, emotions, or love with. But as I take stock over that lovely dating history of mine, I realize that I never actually found anyone to truly share those things with. Sure, there were moments of good (or at least, moments of “okay”) but if any of the people I shared those times with were of any quality or substance, then - hey! News flash! - I wouldn't be single right now.

I realize that, for the most part, the people I dated and the relationships I was in caused me more pain, confusion, mistrust, self-doubt, uncertainty, suspicion, anger, sadness, loneliness, and heartache than I cared to previously recognize. I have enough of those emotions and negativity in my life due to my own insecurities, I certainly don't need someone hanging around whose behavior causes that negativity to increase. As Mary J. Blige sings, “I can do bad all by myself.” And, as Greg Behnerdt points out, “You can feel like crap and be alone. Or feel like crap and at least have someone to spend the holidays with...the only two options you are giving yourself involve feeling like crap.” Time to replace some crap with some fierce love.

For me, getting rid of the crap and fiercely embracing self-love means: I'd rather hire a babysitter and take myself out for a nice dinner and a movie than to sit in my room crying and obsessing over what the f is so heinously horrible about me that I can't score a date. I'd rather completely enjoy a weekend trip alone rather than to stay in cell phone range checking every other minute to see if I've accidentally missed any calls, texts, emails, or FaceBook messages from the person I've been going out with (and obsessing over why s/he hasn't gotten a hold of me...everything's been going so well...what could I have possibly said or done to make him/her not contact me). I'd rather fill up my calendar with outings with friends, fun family activities, solo date nights, and even to work some overtime a month in advance rather than keep an empty calendar just in case the gal/guy I'm totally crushing on asks me out. I'd rather fiercely love myself than hate myself because no one else will love me. I'd rather have fierce self-love than be in love with someone who clearly doesn't love me on a level that I can feel her/his love. I'd rather be fiercely alone than with someone who makes feel lonely.

The reflection in the mirror is all I've got today. If I'm truly embracing where my body is, today, right now, in this moment, present-tense/present-day, than I'm also ready to embrace my whole self – relationship status included. If I'm going to be miserable, let me be so because of my own mistakes – not because of someone I'm involved with. And if I'm going to be happy, let it be by my own doing – not because of someone I've involved with. I don't need to be romantically involved with any one. I am already fiercely complete.

Fierce Love > Big Rejection

(Alternative titles of this post, according to my wonderfully supportive cousin/close friend: "Some People Deserve to be Kicked in the Face" or "Most People are Generally Decent, but Some Are A Complete Waste of Air") 

Several years ago I was engaged to be married. The person I was engaged to had a lot to say, regularly, about my short comings – my weight (“I was watching you sleep last night and I wondered how it would feel to have gained that much weight.”), the things I liked (“I'm just now sure if I can stay with you if you can't be more interested in the things I'm interested in.”), my religious views (“God isn't all fluffy and lovey. He's full of vengeance and wrath – you need to be more aware.”), and my personality (“You're so happy all time its made you naive.”). I spent so much time trying to change and modify who I was that I lost myself. In the end the “new me” wasn't good enough for my fiancee any way (“You're so serious and depressed all the time – what happened to the happy girl you used to be?”). We never got married. Thank. Goodness.

Despite an engagement that didn't stick, I find that I still play a silly game when it comes to dating. At the start of a new relationship, especially those first few dates, I tend to wear clothes that I normally don't wear, put makeup on more frequently, take extra time with my hair, make sure that my house and car are always neat and tidy, and try to do the things that I think the other person will like. If I start to question how things are going or am concerned about the behaviors of the other person, I generally keep quiet – after all, this is new and I don't want to rock the boat. But all of that is ridiculous. How is someone supposed to get to know ME, if I'm so busy acting in ways that aren't true to myself?

I've had some terrible experiences on the dating scene and while I'd like to blame all the “thems” that I've gone out with, there is a common denominator that needs some attention – ME. Here is where I get fiercely honest with myself – the same thing is going to keep happening unless something changes. Lately, I made some changes. In the spirit of fierce self love – I have been determined to be myself, should the opportunity present itself for a date, without the silly dating game. Rather than looking for a potential relationship, I've stayed focused on self-love, positive body image, and acknowledging that I'm a pretty darn decent person.

When I look in the mirror I am starting to see my piercing hazel eyes, full lips, wild 'n free lusty curls, and stunning smile that I posses and like about myself. I remind myself of the qualities that I admire most in myself and remember that I have a long list of positive ideas of who I am. I've been clicking along quite happily - fiercely loving myself - and even found myself on the road to, what I thought, might be a romantic relationship. For the first time in years (ever?) I laid aside all the games and was just ME.

Let me tell you, fierce body/self love is all fun and games until someone gets rejected. And I have been rejected. Actually, to be more accurate, I've been ignored, forgotten, and dismissed. It's been a rough few weeks. Rejection is one of the worst (emotional) pains that I know. To make matters worse I am sincerely confused – I don't know what happened or why it happened. And since I haven't been given the decency of returned calls, texts, or other forms of communication, I likely will never know. This is where the fierce self love rubber hits the road.

Now when I stand in front of the mirror, I must fight past the nasty thoughts creeping in (you're too fat/too ugly/too old – that's why you were rejected) because I am the same person that I was a few weeks ago with the piercing hazel eyes, full lips, wild 'n free lusty curls, and stunning smile. I STILL admire and possess those attributes with or without someone's rejection. The rejection belongs to that person. I am left with me and I will fiercely carry on, rejected head held high.

Being Big

Children are encouraged to be big. "Wow! What a big boy/girl you are!" "Stop that; you're too big to act like that!" "You're a big kid now, you get to do big kid stuff." "Oh  my gosh! Look at how big s/he's getting!" "You are a big boy/girl now, you get to go to preschool." "You're getting so big!" "When you're a big kid, you can ________." There is even a cute little baby game where mommy/daddy asks, "How big is baby?" , baby outstretches arms, and everyone coos "Soooooo, big!"  One of my favorites from a tv jingle, "Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!" When you're a kid big is cool, big is wonderful, big is an aspiration. Big doesn't equate size; big equates power, privilege, and pride.

Somewhere in the midst of child to preteen, big is not so cool any more. Big is bad. Big is ugly. Big is gross. Big is fat. Big means teasable, non-datable,  have-to-proof-yourself-able. While the world is busy screaming "bigger is better" through super sized drinks, suv's, double car garages, mall of America, and multi-level homes, the big person competes to be the biggest looser. We have fallen from privilege to looser - all in the name of big.

I distinctly remember sitting in my middle school counselor's office, handfuls of  tear stained Kleenex balled in my fists, because I was too big. He pointed out that big doesn't always mean size, that big can also mean big ideas, or a big smile. Yeah. Right. We went through a long list of good things that are big. At the end of our time, he asked me "So, what does it mean to be big?" I vividly remember the tears sting my eyes, a lump form in my throat and the word "FAT" sending booming echos through my brain. He smiled and said, "It doesn't have to mean size, does it?" I shook my head and mustered a "no." Yeah. Right. 

In honor of my middle school counselor (18 years later I think I get it!), I have compiled my too big list. I am big and here is what is big about me:

ideas
smile
passion
perseverance
thighs
compassion
desire
thoughts
butt
awareness
concern
helpfulness
contributions
hair
voice
understanding
knowledge
laugh
will-power
sociability
feet
goals
actions
dreams
spirituality
love
 
I am big...complete with BIG fierce body love.

I'm Hanging Up NOW

A friend and I were recently discussing negative self thought and he shared with me a fantastic analogy: if someone called you up and started talking to you like you critique yourself, you'd hang up the frickin' phone!

What a concept! Think of that – I (hopefully) wouldn't keep someone around who talks as critically about myself as I do. Imagine if the thoughts I have about myself were actual phone calls/texts/emails/voice mails given to me by people in my life:

~

In response to a sobbing phone call about my recent painful breakup, my mother responds:

Well, everybody knows you didn't deserve him/her. Besides, it's not like you're that good looking. And you have gained a LOT of weight of lately...can't blame her/him for not finding you attractive any more. S/he's probably been screwing your best friend on the side, any way. You mind as well face it, you're going to be alone for the rest of your life because no one really wants you or ever will.

While on the dance floor at a club, my best friend texts:

Gurrrrl! Plz! You r NOT that cute. Ur ass is huge. Tht dude/chick is NOT checkn u out – ur way out of his/her league.

After a work meeting, my westie (westie = work bestie) sends me an email:

What were you thinking when you stepped out of the house this morning?! Your thighs are way too big for a skirt like that. Why are you always trying to dress like a skinny girl when you're a BIG girl?! Everyone who saw you in the meeting this morning could think of nothing else but how grotesque you are, even your good ideas on the project couldn't distract any one from the cellulite on your legs. Next time, wear pants to work.

The morning after intimacy, my partner/lover leaves me a bedside note:

Last night when we were making love all I could think about is how your tummy jiggled and how saggy your breasts are. I really have no idea why I even slept with you....I am pretty desperate, though, to have slept with someone your size....I was actually just taking one for the team...I'll never, ever see you or call you again!

After a date, I came home to the following voice mail:

It was really nice to meet you, you are so funny and we had great conversation. You have an okay face, but I wasn't really attracted to you because of your size. Besides, I was totally hitting on the waiter/waitress the whole time and scored his/her number.

~

My life would be so much lighter and I would be much freer to fiercely love myself if I dismissed negative thoughts like these. The next time thoughts like that come up, I hope I will be fierce enough and love myself enough to HANG UP. *click*

He Called Me a Whale

The other day my son, a 3 year old girl I was babysitting for, and myself headed down to our apartment's hot tub. I had on my black one piece swimsuit and was trying to ignore the fact that there were some really good looking people in the workout room adjacent to the hot tub room (which, of course, is made of complete glass so every one can see every body). To make matters more complex, those good looking people were also athletic looking and seemed in really good shape.

As I striped off my sweatpants to climb in to the hot tub I caught of reflection of myself and my eyes immediately zoned in on my thighs...those big, thick, cellulite filled, offensive, disgusting thighs of mine. Flash backs starting from my pre-teen years and dating up until recently came flooding in to my brain. Images and sound bites of people who called me names or made nasty and rude remarks about my legs started to overwhelm me. Since starting my journey of fierce body love whenever a moment like this happens, or when I feel uneasy about my body, or if I perceive that I am being judged, I have a simple mantra I repeat (sometimes out loud if the occasion warrants) : “Fierce Body Love...Fierce Body Love...”

As I climbed in to the hot tub and tried to look as confident as I could, “Fierce Body Love” repeating in my brain, the sweet little 3 year old girl looked up at me and said, “Wow! Looks at your legs!” I will not lie, I wanted to melt away into nothingness. Just as the self loathing started to override my mantra and all hopes of truly having self love diminishing,  the 3 year old piped up again, huge smile on her face, “I want some legs like those! I love your big legs.” Note to self: hang out with this 3 year old as much as possible!

Moments later, I stretched myself out in the water face down with my legs and arms extended across the length of the hot tub. My son climbed on my back and told me, “Mom, you are a whale!” I smiled and giggled (and increased the volume of my mantra) and said, “Yep; I am! I have a black swim suit on and I'm strong and big – just like an Orca.” He replied, “That's right, Mama! Come on, Orca, lets go for an adventure.”

His words impacted me greatly – yes, an adventure. For him a fun pretend under ocean adventure of sea discoveries. And, for me, a fierce body love adventure of self discoveries. Who's with me on our adventure? Let's discovery some fierce body love along the way, shall we?

Frizz Factor

As I was showering, I grabbed my daily bottle of shampoo to lather up and started to dwell on hair. I have curly hair and I have always had a difficult time choosing hair products that worked for my hair. If I let my hair go without at least three different products in it (not including shampoo and conditioner designed for curly hair) it has a life of it's own which includes lots of frizz, a tendency to get big and out of control complete with a head full of fly-aways.

I think I've got this curly hair thing under control now, though,  because I have the routine down: shampoo every other day, condition every day, apply product immediately after getting it wet, air dry for 5 minutes, apply mouse, reapply as needed, add smoother, finish with hairspray. My bathroom is full of products that help me with my hair.

Wait.

(Remember my friend who said I should take this body love as far I need to and wouldn't reign me in if I take fierce body love too far?...well....)

Last I checked, my hair is attatched to my head, which is a part of my body and I'm determined to have fierce body love. It's time to reconsider some ideas about my hair. Those products in my bathroom carry lables that say: "...fight frizz... unmanageable hair...tame even the most unruly hair...whip your curls into shape so they'll behave... extra hold...frizz-fighting power...locks down locks...long-lasting hold..." My hair products also will "enhance" my hair by "adding" to it because I need the "strength to fight frizz."

What I'm really fighting at the moment is the urge to write an essay here and do what I used to do in one of my college courses and "unpack" (look up their meanings and synonyms, put them back into the written context, examine the messages that the words carry, and deduct how those concepts impact consumers' view on their hair)  those words. The short version of the essay, and the very idea I'm birthing, is that I don't want to feel obligated to change any part of me. Even my hair.

Usually it's a pony tail day for me when my hair starts to get too big, too frizzy, or too out-of-control. But that's not really very loving or accepting of a part of me - in fact its rather negative. For the past few days I have been applying minimal amounts of products and spending less time trying to change what my hair naturally does. It feels really nice to be able to run my fingers through my hair without getting a hand full of hair product and it's actually pretty darn freeing to not have to constantly be checking the level of frizz factor.

After all, this is MY hair and I will fiercly love it.

Where Is The (fierce body) Love?

I'm processing a lot and am deeply contemplative today. I seem to have misplaced my fierce body love...

I feel ugly.

Fat.

Unattractive.

My hair is driving me nuts.

All of my jeans cause a muffin top.

And, yet, I need to push past this and accept me today as just that - me today.

Yep, none of my jeans fit, my hair is a mess, and I just might be fat, ugly and unattractive. And this is me TODAY.

So...I will (try to) fiercely love myself right in this moment...muffin topped an all.

Sticks and Stones

*** Disclaimer: For purposes of this blog, I have decided to not disclose my sexual orientation. After all, if I am on a journey to love myself the gender of the person(s) I am attracted to doesn't factor in to MY self love. It doesn't matter if I am bisexual, straight, or lesbian and as such I'm going to remain gender neutral in my blogging when referring to any relationship or sexual experiences and will use s/he him/her. The only exception to this is when I refer to the fathers of my children because...well, its obvious sperm comes from men. ***

To be perfectly clear and blunt - this past year has been hell for me on a lot of levels but, especially, in terms of self worth and self perception. I become pregnant in February of last year and the biological father of the child was not kind to me (that's an understatement, but I will not digress).

For several months he bullied me via texts, IM, Face Book, and phone calls. He called me a bitch and a liar, he told me I was fat, he said I was ugly, he told me that he was drunk every time we had sex, he said I stupid, naive, and a dumb broad, he said he never was attracted to me and just used me, he said, and I quote, "I'll never f#$* a fat chick again." Starting to get the picture?

Needless to say, these are words NO ONE ever wants to hear - but when pregnancy hormones are thrown in to the picture those words cut deeper and messed with my head in ways I can't fully explain. My already weak self esteem and perception of myself and my body took a hard, hard hit as a result. I, obviously, wasn't at a place of fierce self love and so I attached meaning to his attacks. Those insensitive (and inaccurate, if I may say so myself) remarks took on a life of their own in my mind - they festered, grew, and took over.

Fast forward to this Friday evening when I found out that someone that I have known for a little over a year, unannounced to me, has been attracted to me the whole time. Let me make it clear that this person saw me on days when I had makeup on, fixed hair, and form fitting "cute" clothes AND on days when my hair was in a pony tail, I didn't have a lick of makeup on, and I was in sweats. S/he knew me through the entire pregnancy and has seen me through weight loss and gain in the months following the end of the pregnancy. I have been 100% myself around this person 100% of the time because we're friends and I never knew about his/her thoughts about me. I never felt pressured to put on an act or be anyone other than me.

Finding out about her/his attraction towards me has been insane for me to process, especially when I think of the countless times I cried myself to sleep at night because I was unwanted, unloved, mistreated, and rejected by the sperm donor. And, at the same time there was this other person admiring me and attracted to me and all the while my view of myself was so low that I was contemplating ending my life.

Just as I'm learning not to place my self value based on others' negativity towards me, I also am trying to not attach self-value when others have positive things to say. I am not sharing this story to make a statement that there are people out there who find big girls attractive. Nor am I trying to make a "so, there" statement to the sperm donor ("ha! So, there! Take that! I AM attractive and I can PROVE it because _________ said so!").

My process in this is to ask myself why I couldn't (and still have to work so damn hard even now) to see value and beauty in myself just as this person did/does. Does it feel good to know that I am attractive to others and that people out there sexually desire me? Hell yes! Does it hurt to know that I am unattractive to others and people out there find me undesirable? Hell yes! But, here's the place I'm trying to get to: it doesn't matter! What matters is that I find myself beautiful, attractive, and sexually appealing (and that's only the external stuff).
I'm processing, changing, and allowing the emotions of all that entails to freely flow with a fierceness that is growing
within me.

My hope for all of us is that we will not shrivel to nothingness at others' negativity and that we will not melt to a puddle of happiness when someone compliments us or shows us affection. If we can learn to love ourselves, independent of outside influence, then we have truly discovered self value and there is nothing more fierce than that!

Too Fierce?

Since yesterday's creation of Big Girl Fierce Love I've done a lot of thinking about how far to take my fierce self love.
I tend to be an extremely passionate person and when I find something that resonates within me, I throw myself in to it with reckless abandon. I'm feeling pretty darn passionate about this whole new way of thinking (and living) and I wonder if there is such a thing as too much fierceness.

I told a dear friend of mine to reign me back in if I take this thing too far. Her reply? "...you take it as far as you need to" and "F*#$...[its] your journey." This is the type of friend I need to keep around! That simple reminder that this is MY path was powerful.

Early today as I was getting ready to leave the house I did the quick mirror check, and immediately the self criticism, the self loathing, the self doubt crept in. I actually said OUT LOUD, "Enough!" I, literally, looked myself straight in the eye and said, "I am good enough today, now, right in this moment. This hair, this face, these clothes...they are what I have today and today is all I need."

I felt powerful for that moment, and then I noticed a zit forming on my nose and the mirage faded as I took a scrutinizing look at the width of my face, the thickness of my neck...etc etc etc. *Poof* Fierce love moment gone! (But, rejoice!, I held it for a moment.) How many more moments will I encounter? I hope for many more as MY path and journey unfold.

Until I can live in that snippet of the big girl fiercely loving herself for longer than just a tick on the hand of the clock, I will continue to treasure the fierceness bubbling within and the courage it takes to love myself.

I wish us all much fierceness in our love towards self.

Welcome to Big Girl Fierce Love

I started this blog in response to the amazing Face Book group I discovered : http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Fierce-Love-for-Every-Body/111555388927692 and my attempt to love myself, fiercely, no matter my current size.

And so, I begin...

I've been a "big girl" for a long time. Since the time I first realized I was "big" I felt that I needed to change - change my size, change how I look, change what I am able to wear. The pressure that this amounts to, at times, can be staggering. Even now, as a big "girl" in her early 30's, when I pass a mirror or a window that gives a clear reflection I shudder at the sight of my belly, at my thighs, at my face shape. It doesn't matter that I have amazing curly hair, a beautiful smile, or the coolest color of green/hazel eyes....all I can see are the imperfections. And all I think about is what other people are thinking of my imperfections.

When I've managed to loose some weight, the compliments start rolling in and my self esteem sky rockets. But, inevitably, when the 5, or 10, 15, or 20 pounds are added back on my frame suddenly the compliments stop and my self esteem plummets. Why? Why do I equate my value as a spiritual, breathing, loving, responsible, caring, funny, intelligent person to the amount of weight that my skeleton holds?

For several months now I've been contemplating getting a membership at our local family YMCA. My son is an active kid and we both love to swim. He and I can enjoy family swim time together. There is even free child care available at the gym so I could go to an exercise class or workout in the facility. All I can think about is how great it would be to start working out so I can loose weight. That way my current size 20 body can fit back in those size 16 jeans lurking in the bottom of my closest...better, yet, I think, I will skip the size 16 all together and just drop straight to a size 14 (or, even better, a 12!).

These have been my thoughts of late, and then I happened upon the Fierce Love  page and found a group of people who are trying to change their thinking about their bodies. The challenge is to love, accept, and embrace one's body TODAY...right NOW...as it CURRENTLY is. And, even better, its NOT a mentality to try and "love yourself thin", rather to simply love yourself because it is what it is.

This has got me to think about my desire to join the YMCA in a new way. I'm thinking to myself, "Hey, you big beautiful big girl, join the Y because you want to use that big beautiful body to its fullest." So, when I do join, I intend to run, swim, Zumba, lift weights, and stair step because I have an amazing body that lets me do these activities...not because I expect my body to change.

Stay tuned...and in the mean time, let us love our bodies with all the fierceness we can muster.