Children are encouraged to be big. "Wow! What a big boy/girl you are!" "Stop that; you're too big to act like that!" "You're a big kid now, you get to do big kid stuff." "Oh my gosh! Look at how big s/he's getting!" "You are a big boy/girl now, you get to go to preschool." "You're getting so big!" "When you're a big kid, you can ________." There is even a cute little baby game where mommy/daddy asks, "How big is baby?" , baby outstretches arms, and everyone coos "Soooooo, big!" One of my favorites from a tv jingle, "Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!" When you're a kid big is cool, big is wonderful, big is an aspiration. Big doesn't equate size; big equates power, privilege, and pride.
Somewhere in the midst of child to preteen, big is not so cool any more. Big is bad. Big is ugly. Big is gross. Big is fat. Big means teasable, non-datable, have-to-proof-yourself-able. While the world is busy screaming "bigger is better" through super sized drinks, suv's, double car garages, mall of America, and multi-level homes, the big person competes to be the biggest looser. We have fallen from privilege to looser - all in the name of big.
I distinctly remember sitting in my middle school counselor's office, handfuls of tear stained Kleenex balled in my fists, because I was too big. He pointed out that big doesn't always mean size, that big can also mean big ideas, or a big smile. Yeah. Right. We went through a long list of good things that are big. At the end of our time, he asked me "So, what does it mean to be big?" I vividly remember the tears sting my eyes, a lump form in my throat and the word "FAT" sending booming echos through my brain. He smiled and said, "It doesn't have to mean size, does it?" I shook my head and mustered a "no." Yeah. Right.
In honor of my middle school counselor (18 years later I think I get it!), I have compiled my too big list. I am big and here is what is big about me:
ideas
smile
passion
perseverance
thighs
compassion
desire
thoughts
butt
awareness
concern
helpfulness
contributions
hair
voice
understanding
knowledge
laugh
will-power
sociability
feet
goals
actions
dreams
spirituality
love
I am big...complete with BIG fierce body love.
i have been told all my life that i am "big boned", as way to dismiss the excess weight. i remember being laughed at by my eldest brother and told i have a/ or called, 'fat ass'. words spoken over 40 yrs ago can come back in a flash, and i can tell you where, when, and by whom they were spoken! your Blog inspires me and helps reveal hidden shame that continues to be released. please, please forgive any past behavior on my part that may have been demeaning. love your guts, K. michael
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