Fierce Love > Big Rejection

(Alternative titles of this post, according to my wonderfully supportive cousin/close friend: "Some People Deserve to be Kicked in the Face" or "Most People are Generally Decent, but Some Are A Complete Waste of Air") 

Several years ago I was engaged to be married. The person I was engaged to had a lot to say, regularly, about my short comings – my weight (“I was watching you sleep last night and I wondered how it would feel to have gained that much weight.”), the things I liked (“I'm just now sure if I can stay with you if you can't be more interested in the things I'm interested in.”), my religious views (“God isn't all fluffy and lovey. He's full of vengeance and wrath – you need to be more aware.”), and my personality (“You're so happy all time its made you naive.”). I spent so much time trying to change and modify who I was that I lost myself. In the end the “new me” wasn't good enough for my fiancee any way (“You're so serious and depressed all the time – what happened to the happy girl you used to be?”). We never got married. Thank. Goodness.

Despite an engagement that didn't stick, I find that I still play a silly game when it comes to dating. At the start of a new relationship, especially those first few dates, I tend to wear clothes that I normally don't wear, put makeup on more frequently, take extra time with my hair, make sure that my house and car are always neat and tidy, and try to do the things that I think the other person will like. If I start to question how things are going or am concerned about the behaviors of the other person, I generally keep quiet – after all, this is new and I don't want to rock the boat. But all of that is ridiculous. How is someone supposed to get to know ME, if I'm so busy acting in ways that aren't true to myself?

I've had some terrible experiences on the dating scene and while I'd like to blame all the “thems” that I've gone out with, there is a common denominator that needs some attention – ME. Here is where I get fiercely honest with myself – the same thing is going to keep happening unless something changes. Lately, I made some changes. In the spirit of fierce self love – I have been determined to be myself, should the opportunity present itself for a date, without the silly dating game. Rather than looking for a potential relationship, I've stayed focused on self-love, positive body image, and acknowledging that I'm a pretty darn decent person.

When I look in the mirror I am starting to see my piercing hazel eyes, full lips, wild 'n free lusty curls, and stunning smile that I posses and like about myself. I remind myself of the qualities that I admire most in myself and remember that I have a long list of positive ideas of who I am. I've been clicking along quite happily - fiercely loving myself - and even found myself on the road to, what I thought, might be a romantic relationship. For the first time in years (ever?) I laid aside all the games and was just ME.

Let me tell you, fierce body/self love is all fun and games until someone gets rejected. And I have been rejected. Actually, to be more accurate, I've been ignored, forgotten, and dismissed. It's been a rough few weeks. Rejection is one of the worst (emotional) pains that I know. To make matters worse I am sincerely confused – I don't know what happened or why it happened. And since I haven't been given the decency of returned calls, texts, or other forms of communication, I likely will never know. This is where the fierce self love rubber hits the road.

Now when I stand in front of the mirror, I must fight past the nasty thoughts creeping in (you're too fat/too ugly/too old – that's why you were rejected) because I am the same person that I was a few weeks ago with the piercing hazel eyes, full lips, wild 'n free lusty curls, and stunning smile. I STILL admire and possess those attributes with or without someone's rejection. The rejection belongs to that person. I am left with me and I will fiercely carry on, rejected head held high.