Fierce Solo Love

If I ever utter the words “you complete me” to someone, it better be only to my own reflection in the mirror. If I can't be complete in my own skin and in my own company then I really don't have any business being romantically involved with someone thinking that they will bring completion. Since being rejected several weeks back I have taken some serious inventory of not only the characters in my dating history but the role they have played. I've thoroughly thought over the people I dated and contemplated (heavily!) why I put up with their shit for any longer than 10 minutes after the shit was exposed.

Admittedly, some of these thoughts would not have occurred to me if it hadn't been for the book He's Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, which I recently devoured in one evening. Since this isn't a book review blog (and, more importantly, since I'm not getting paid to write reviews) I won't go in to a long discussion on the book. But I will say that it is a fantastic read and it is painfully straight forward. I highly recommend it. While the book is targeted for straight single females - I think any one (straight, bi, gay, female, male, single, married, divorced) can glean from it ideas about being treated well by people we allow in our life and not lowering one's standards simply to avoid being alone.

Fierce body love is officially no longer just skin deep for me...I'm starting to fiercely love my soul, too. In fact, I love my soul so fiercely and care in such a big way about where my life is going, that I'm ready to consider that just might mean me being partner-less and single...and, I think I'm (going to be) okay with that. There is so much I hate about being single– the dateless weekend nights, the dateless weekday nights, not having someone to look forward to seeing, being alone in the evenings, no regular sex, having no one to share responsibilities, fun, laughter, emotions, or love with. But as I take stock over that lovely dating history of mine, I realize that I never actually found anyone to truly share those things with. Sure, there were moments of good (or at least, moments of “okay”) but if any of the people I shared those times with were of any quality or substance, then - hey! News flash! - I wouldn't be single right now.

I realize that, for the most part, the people I dated and the relationships I was in caused me more pain, confusion, mistrust, self-doubt, uncertainty, suspicion, anger, sadness, loneliness, and heartache than I cared to previously recognize. I have enough of those emotions and negativity in my life due to my own insecurities, I certainly don't need someone hanging around whose behavior causes that negativity to increase. As Mary J. Blige sings, “I can do bad all by myself.” And, as Greg Behnerdt points out, “You can feel like crap and be alone. Or feel like crap and at least have someone to spend the holidays with...the only two options you are giving yourself involve feeling like crap.” Time to replace some crap with some fierce love.

For me, getting rid of the crap and fiercely embracing self-love means: I'd rather hire a babysitter and take myself out for a nice dinner and a movie than to sit in my room crying and obsessing over what the f is so heinously horrible about me that I can't score a date. I'd rather completely enjoy a weekend trip alone rather than to stay in cell phone range checking every other minute to see if I've accidentally missed any calls, texts, emails, or FaceBook messages from the person I've been going out with (and obsessing over why s/he hasn't gotten a hold of me...everything's been going so well...what could I have possibly said or done to make him/her not contact me). I'd rather fill up my calendar with outings with friends, fun family activities, solo date nights, and even to work some overtime a month in advance rather than keep an empty calendar just in case the gal/guy I'm totally crushing on asks me out. I'd rather fiercely love myself than hate myself because no one else will love me. I'd rather have fierce self-love than be in love with someone who clearly doesn't love me on a level that I can feel her/his love. I'd rather be fiercely alone than with someone who makes feel lonely.

The reflection in the mirror is all I've got today. If I'm truly embracing where my body is, today, right now, in this moment, present-tense/present-day, than I'm also ready to embrace my whole self – relationship status included. If I'm going to be miserable, let me be so because of my own mistakes – not because of someone I'm involved with. And if I'm going to be happy, let it be by my own doing – not because of someone I've involved with. I don't need to be romantically involved with any one. I am already fiercely complete.