I'm Hanging Up NOW

A friend and I were recently discussing negative self thought and he shared with me a fantastic analogy: if someone called you up and started talking to you like you critique yourself, you'd hang up the frickin' phone!

What a concept! Think of that – I (hopefully) wouldn't keep someone around who talks as critically about myself as I do. Imagine if the thoughts I have about myself were actual phone calls/texts/emails/voice mails given to me by people in my life:

~

In response to a sobbing phone call about my recent painful breakup, my mother responds:

Well, everybody knows you didn't deserve him/her. Besides, it's not like you're that good looking. And you have gained a LOT of weight of lately...can't blame her/him for not finding you attractive any more. S/he's probably been screwing your best friend on the side, any way. You mind as well face it, you're going to be alone for the rest of your life because no one really wants you or ever will.

While on the dance floor at a club, my best friend texts:

Gurrrrl! Plz! You r NOT that cute. Ur ass is huge. Tht dude/chick is NOT checkn u out – ur way out of his/her league.

After a work meeting, my westie (westie = work bestie) sends me an email:

What were you thinking when you stepped out of the house this morning?! Your thighs are way too big for a skirt like that. Why are you always trying to dress like a skinny girl when you're a BIG girl?! Everyone who saw you in the meeting this morning could think of nothing else but how grotesque you are, even your good ideas on the project couldn't distract any one from the cellulite on your legs. Next time, wear pants to work.

The morning after intimacy, my partner/lover leaves me a bedside note:

Last night when we were making love all I could think about is how your tummy jiggled and how saggy your breasts are. I really have no idea why I even slept with you....I am pretty desperate, though, to have slept with someone your size....I was actually just taking one for the team...I'll never, ever see you or call you again!

After a date, I came home to the following voice mail:

It was really nice to meet you, you are so funny and we had great conversation. You have an okay face, but I wasn't really attracted to you because of your size. Besides, I was totally hitting on the waiter/waitress the whole time and scored his/her number.

~

My life would be so much lighter and I would be much freer to fiercely love myself if I dismissed negative thoughts like these. The next time thoughts like that come up, I hope I will be fierce enough and love myself enough to HANG UP. *click*

He Called Me a Whale

The other day my son, a 3 year old girl I was babysitting for, and myself headed down to our apartment's hot tub. I had on my black one piece swimsuit and was trying to ignore the fact that there were some really good looking people in the workout room adjacent to the hot tub room (which, of course, is made of complete glass so every one can see every body). To make matters more complex, those good looking people were also athletic looking and seemed in really good shape.

As I striped off my sweatpants to climb in to the hot tub I caught of reflection of myself and my eyes immediately zoned in on my thighs...those big, thick, cellulite filled, offensive, disgusting thighs of mine. Flash backs starting from my pre-teen years and dating up until recently came flooding in to my brain. Images and sound bites of people who called me names or made nasty and rude remarks about my legs started to overwhelm me. Since starting my journey of fierce body love whenever a moment like this happens, or when I feel uneasy about my body, or if I perceive that I am being judged, I have a simple mantra I repeat (sometimes out loud if the occasion warrants) : “Fierce Body Love...Fierce Body Love...”

As I climbed in to the hot tub and tried to look as confident as I could, “Fierce Body Love” repeating in my brain, the sweet little 3 year old girl looked up at me and said, “Wow! Looks at your legs!” I will not lie, I wanted to melt away into nothingness. Just as the self loathing started to override my mantra and all hopes of truly having self love diminishing,  the 3 year old piped up again, huge smile on her face, “I want some legs like those! I love your big legs.” Note to self: hang out with this 3 year old as much as possible!

Moments later, I stretched myself out in the water face down with my legs and arms extended across the length of the hot tub. My son climbed on my back and told me, “Mom, you are a whale!” I smiled and giggled (and increased the volume of my mantra) and said, “Yep; I am! I have a black swim suit on and I'm strong and big – just like an Orca.” He replied, “That's right, Mama! Come on, Orca, lets go for an adventure.”

His words impacted me greatly – yes, an adventure. For him a fun pretend under ocean adventure of sea discoveries. And, for me, a fierce body love adventure of self discoveries. Who's with me on our adventure? Let's discovery some fierce body love along the way, shall we?

Frizz Factor

As I was showering, I grabbed my daily bottle of shampoo to lather up and started to dwell on hair. I have curly hair and I have always had a difficult time choosing hair products that worked for my hair. If I let my hair go without at least three different products in it (not including shampoo and conditioner designed for curly hair) it has a life of it's own which includes lots of frizz, a tendency to get big and out of control complete with a head full of fly-aways.

I think I've got this curly hair thing under control now, though,  because I have the routine down: shampoo every other day, condition every day, apply product immediately after getting it wet, air dry for 5 minutes, apply mouse, reapply as needed, add smoother, finish with hairspray. My bathroom is full of products that help me with my hair.

Wait.

(Remember my friend who said I should take this body love as far I need to and wouldn't reign me in if I take fierce body love too far?...well....)

Last I checked, my hair is attatched to my head, which is a part of my body and I'm determined to have fierce body love. It's time to reconsider some ideas about my hair. Those products in my bathroom carry lables that say: "...fight frizz... unmanageable hair...tame even the most unruly hair...whip your curls into shape so they'll behave... extra hold...frizz-fighting power...locks down locks...long-lasting hold..." My hair products also will "enhance" my hair by "adding" to it because I need the "strength to fight frizz."

What I'm really fighting at the moment is the urge to write an essay here and do what I used to do in one of my college courses and "unpack" (look up their meanings and synonyms, put them back into the written context, examine the messages that the words carry, and deduct how those concepts impact consumers' view on their hair)  those words. The short version of the essay, and the very idea I'm birthing, is that I don't want to feel obligated to change any part of me. Even my hair.

Usually it's a pony tail day for me when my hair starts to get too big, too frizzy, or too out-of-control. But that's not really very loving or accepting of a part of me - in fact its rather negative. For the past few days I have been applying minimal amounts of products and spending less time trying to change what my hair naturally does. It feels really nice to be able to run my fingers through my hair without getting a hand full of hair product and it's actually pretty darn freeing to not have to constantly be checking the level of frizz factor.

After all, this is MY hair and I will fiercly love it.

Where Is The (fierce body) Love?

I'm processing a lot and am deeply contemplative today. I seem to have misplaced my fierce body love...

I feel ugly.

Fat.

Unattractive.

My hair is driving me nuts.

All of my jeans cause a muffin top.

And, yet, I need to push past this and accept me today as just that - me today.

Yep, none of my jeans fit, my hair is a mess, and I just might be fat, ugly and unattractive. And this is me TODAY.

So...I will (try to) fiercely love myself right in this moment...muffin topped an all.

Sticks and Stones

*** Disclaimer: For purposes of this blog, I have decided to not disclose my sexual orientation. After all, if I am on a journey to love myself the gender of the person(s) I am attracted to doesn't factor in to MY self love. It doesn't matter if I am bisexual, straight, or lesbian and as such I'm going to remain gender neutral in my blogging when referring to any relationship or sexual experiences and will use s/he him/her. The only exception to this is when I refer to the fathers of my children because...well, its obvious sperm comes from men. ***

To be perfectly clear and blunt - this past year has been hell for me on a lot of levels but, especially, in terms of self worth and self perception. I become pregnant in February of last year and the biological father of the child was not kind to me (that's an understatement, but I will not digress).

For several months he bullied me via texts, IM, Face Book, and phone calls. He called me a bitch and a liar, he told me I was fat, he said I was ugly, he told me that he was drunk every time we had sex, he said I stupid, naive, and a dumb broad, he said he never was attracted to me and just used me, he said, and I quote, "I'll never f#$* a fat chick again." Starting to get the picture?

Needless to say, these are words NO ONE ever wants to hear - but when pregnancy hormones are thrown in to the picture those words cut deeper and messed with my head in ways I can't fully explain. My already weak self esteem and perception of myself and my body took a hard, hard hit as a result. I, obviously, wasn't at a place of fierce self love and so I attached meaning to his attacks. Those insensitive (and inaccurate, if I may say so myself) remarks took on a life of their own in my mind - they festered, grew, and took over.

Fast forward to this Friday evening when I found out that someone that I have known for a little over a year, unannounced to me, has been attracted to me the whole time. Let me make it clear that this person saw me on days when I had makeup on, fixed hair, and form fitting "cute" clothes AND on days when my hair was in a pony tail, I didn't have a lick of makeup on, and I was in sweats. S/he knew me through the entire pregnancy and has seen me through weight loss and gain in the months following the end of the pregnancy. I have been 100% myself around this person 100% of the time because we're friends and I never knew about his/her thoughts about me. I never felt pressured to put on an act or be anyone other than me.

Finding out about her/his attraction towards me has been insane for me to process, especially when I think of the countless times I cried myself to sleep at night because I was unwanted, unloved, mistreated, and rejected by the sperm donor. And, at the same time there was this other person admiring me and attracted to me and all the while my view of myself was so low that I was contemplating ending my life.

Just as I'm learning not to place my self value based on others' negativity towards me, I also am trying to not attach self-value when others have positive things to say. I am not sharing this story to make a statement that there are people out there who find big girls attractive. Nor am I trying to make a "so, there" statement to the sperm donor ("ha! So, there! Take that! I AM attractive and I can PROVE it because _________ said so!").

My process in this is to ask myself why I couldn't (and still have to work so damn hard even now) to see value and beauty in myself just as this person did/does. Does it feel good to know that I am attractive to others and that people out there sexually desire me? Hell yes! Does it hurt to know that I am unattractive to others and people out there find me undesirable? Hell yes! But, here's the place I'm trying to get to: it doesn't matter! What matters is that I find myself beautiful, attractive, and sexually appealing (and that's only the external stuff).
I'm processing, changing, and allowing the emotions of all that entails to freely flow with a fierceness that is growing
within me.

My hope for all of us is that we will not shrivel to nothingness at others' negativity and that we will not melt to a puddle of happiness when someone compliments us or shows us affection. If we can learn to love ourselves, independent of outside influence, then we have truly discovered self value and there is nothing more fierce than that!

Too Fierce?

Since yesterday's creation of Big Girl Fierce Love I've done a lot of thinking about how far to take my fierce self love.
I tend to be an extremely passionate person and when I find something that resonates within me, I throw myself in to it with reckless abandon. I'm feeling pretty darn passionate about this whole new way of thinking (and living) and I wonder if there is such a thing as too much fierceness.

I told a dear friend of mine to reign me back in if I take this thing too far. Her reply? "...you take it as far as you need to" and "F*#$...[its] your journey." This is the type of friend I need to keep around! That simple reminder that this is MY path was powerful.

Early today as I was getting ready to leave the house I did the quick mirror check, and immediately the self criticism, the self loathing, the self doubt crept in. I actually said OUT LOUD, "Enough!" I, literally, looked myself straight in the eye and said, "I am good enough today, now, right in this moment. This hair, this face, these clothes...they are what I have today and today is all I need."

I felt powerful for that moment, and then I noticed a zit forming on my nose and the mirage faded as I took a scrutinizing look at the width of my face, the thickness of my neck...etc etc etc. *Poof* Fierce love moment gone! (But, rejoice!, I held it for a moment.) How many more moments will I encounter? I hope for many more as MY path and journey unfold.

Until I can live in that snippet of the big girl fiercely loving herself for longer than just a tick on the hand of the clock, I will continue to treasure the fierceness bubbling within and the courage it takes to love myself.

I wish us all much fierceness in our love towards self.

Welcome to Big Girl Fierce Love

I started this blog in response to the amazing Face Book group I discovered : http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Fierce-Love-for-Every-Body/111555388927692 and my attempt to love myself, fiercely, no matter my current size.

And so, I begin...

I've been a "big girl" for a long time. Since the time I first realized I was "big" I felt that I needed to change - change my size, change how I look, change what I am able to wear. The pressure that this amounts to, at times, can be staggering. Even now, as a big "girl" in her early 30's, when I pass a mirror or a window that gives a clear reflection I shudder at the sight of my belly, at my thighs, at my face shape. It doesn't matter that I have amazing curly hair, a beautiful smile, or the coolest color of green/hazel eyes....all I can see are the imperfections. And all I think about is what other people are thinking of my imperfections.

When I've managed to loose some weight, the compliments start rolling in and my self esteem sky rockets. But, inevitably, when the 5, or 10, 15, or 20 pounds are added back on my frame suddenly the compliments stop and my self esteem plummets. Why? Why do I equate my value as a spiritual, breathing, loving, responsible, caring, funny, intelligent person to the amount of weight that my skeleton holds?

For several months now I've been contemplating getting a membership at our local family YMCA. My son is an active kid and we both love to swim. He and I can enjoy family swim time together. There is even free child care available at the gym so I could go to an exercise class or workout in the facility. All I can think about is how great it would be to start working out so I can loose weight. That way my current size 20 body can fit back in those size 16 jeans lurking in the bottom of my closest...better, yet, I think, I will skip the size 16 all together and just drop straight to a size 14 (or, even better, a 12!).

These have been my thoughts of late, and then I happened upon the Fierce Love  page and found a group of people who are trying to change their thinking about their bodies. The challenge is to love, accept, and embrace one's body TODAY...right NOW...as it CURRENTLY is. And, even better, its NOT a mentality to try and "love yourself thin", rather to simply love yourself because it is what it is.

This has got me to think about my desire to join the YMCA in a new way. I'm thinking to myself, "Hey, you big beautiful big girl, join the Y because you want to use that big beautiful body to its fullest." So, when I do join, I intend to run, swim, Zumba, lift weights, and stair step because I have an amazing body that lets me do these activities...not because I expect my body to change.

Stay tuned...and in the mean time, let us love our bodies with all the fierceness we can muster.