Fierce Day

Today started out on a rough note (as shared on the Fierce Love: A 9-month Body Homecoming course [http://www.fiercelove.me/bodyhomecoming/] forum) :

"You're just a fat chick trying to justify being fat!

Since signing up for this course and starting to do some of the work, those are the words that keep replaying in  my head...and no matter what I do, no matter how much breathing, and loving, and focusing on the positives I try to do - it won't shut the F up!

Instead of just sitting here letting it fester and grow and get uglier and stronger and louder, I decided I'd just throw it up here for you all to see.

Thoughts?"

The day transitioned into contemplative reflections (as posted on Face Book) :

"Keely Sanderson is in a bit of quiet contemplative mood today...not bad, not good, neither here, nor there. Just noticing the world, my inner thoughts/feelings/reactions, and how they fit (or don't fit) together. Must be a blog in the making...but until then, just quiet contemplation."

Today ended with inspiration (I happened upon an impromptu jam session at  my fav local coffee shop where a local musician shared his song  "Bright Side " [listen to it here: http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_8581395]. The words in his song inspired me write) :

"If every single thing hadn't happened the way it did, with the people it did, at the time and place it did I could not and would not be in this very moment. If I had been any different, looked any different, felt any different or believed any different at the time that I experienced any part of life I would not have evolved to be the me I am in this very moment. At some point I may have ended up here, but it wouldn't be now. Yes, I would have eventually become close to the person that I am now, but it wouldn't be this precise me. All the shit and all the bliss that I am wading through would be multiplied and the getting through it would be much different. I have just what I can handle for today, and I am grateful for it. I shuddered to think that it could have taken me any longer to be right where I am, right in the now, had I chosen any other direction. If I were 10 pounds lighter, or one pound heavier it may have not turned out this way. In fact if I looked any other way, weighed anything different, laughed any different, cried any less, or wore a different size I would not be who I am preciously, currently. THIS is exactly were I need to be. Right here. THIS is exactly who I need to be. Right like this. Right now. It is the perfect moment for this moment. It is the perfect moment to be the perfect me. This specific day..hour...minute...moment. This specific Me. Fierce! Perfect."

Watch out - I'm IN!!

Just a quick note to shout it out:

I MADE IT INTO THE FIERCE LOVE COURSE!!!!!!

After my birthday bash yesterday I had $465 total from my lovely, amazing, friends and family. The course cost $500 and since I had a little tucked away, I was able to pay for the balance and sign up.

It's going to be a BIG FIERCE 9 months...

....stay tuned!

Big Birthday Wishes

June 1. It's my birthday, it's a celebration, it's every thing lovely. I love my birthday and plan to always celebrate it in a big fierce way. As I embark on this next year of my life I wish for a fierceness and boldness to grow in me with such ferver that I can hardly hold it in.  When I blow out my candles today I will be setting the intention to grow to love myself and be comfortable in my own skin and in this glorious body a little more every day.

One of the best parts of birthdays is opening gifts. I love the way the paper feels under my fingers right before I rip into it. I love the sight of tissue paper and the crinkling sound it makes as I dive in. And, I've always liked "things." I like to have stuff and to be surrounded by what I enjoy. But this year I've had this ephinay and I realize that I'm the best thing I've got going for myself and there is nothing better than I can invest in than me. It feels a little selfish and it seems a little (a lot, actually!) self centered, but I really need to focus in on me. Yes, my true birthday wish is for Fierce Love.

For the past several weeks I've been soliciting my friends and family for birthday gift donations towards an online course that the same ladies who created the Fierce Love for Every Body facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/FierceLoveEveryBody) are running. I've told my friends and family that this year I don't want more stuff, I want to take this class . The response has been really uplifting. The course starts tomorrow and I've recieved almost enough to pay for it! I'll know the grand total by the end of the day. 

The title of the class is "Fierce Love: A Nine Month Body Homecoming" (http://www.fiercelove.me/bodyhomecoming/) . Doesn't that sound fabulous? I can't believe the timing on the start date (the day after my birthday! How sweet is that?!) and feel, to the depth of my being, that I am meant to take this class. For the next nine months, I will be moving through some life changing ideas and expercing even more paradigm shifts. The excietment I am feeling can't be matched!

Now, please excuse me, I hear a birthday cake calling my name...

Tummy Time

Recently I was at a friend's home enjoying a rare moment of watching cable tv when a commercial for a new fashion program popped on. The concept of the show is for the fashion designer to find a dress that fits the body type and occasion for the women participants. A new episode will highlight, Abbie, a military wife who is about to see her husband for the first time in several months since his deployment. The designer has Abbie try on a very flattering, body hugging, saucy little pink vintage dress that looks absolutely fabulous! When she stands in front of the mirror, all that Abbie can focus on, though, is how the dress clings to her body and how badly she thinks it make her tummy look. First of all, Abbie looked A-mazing in the dress. Second of all, Abbie's tummy didn't look bad in the dress at all - sure it pooched ever-so-slightly - but not to the extent that she carried on about it (she kept running her hands on her midsection as if to iron away her stomach's shape). And, thirdly, I highly doubt that her husband, after not seeing (or touching) his wife for several months, would have spent even a nanosecond of the time Abbie spent looking at, let alone scrutinizing, that one section of her body.


I instantly felt very, very sad for Abbie, but I also recognized her anxiety. I recognized her body image issue from a personal struggle but also as a struggle from every single one of my lady friends. I have yet to find a woman who has not over-critiqued herself standing in front of the mirror or who has deemed an outfit unworthy due to a body image issue even in the face of friends telling her how amazing she looks in it. I have a very clear memory of getting ready for girls not out and trying on an amazing low cut top to show my friends before heading out. All I could do was focus on the imperfect body that caused the material of the shirt to pucker in places that horrified me. One of my friends grabbed my face, looked me in the eyes, then dropped her glance and tilted her head towards my (amazing, if I do say so myself) cleavage and said, "Ummmmm, I don't think anyone's gonna notice your tummy." I giggled, considered her words, and, I'm embarrassed to say, changed the shirt.


All of this tummy talk led me to one of my favorite activities: people watching. People watching has always fascinated me and since I've been on a quest towards fierce love and acceptance of my body, I find myself noticing all the glorious variations of bodies that surround me. This past weekend while out and about, I turned my attention to women's midsections and the results were mind blowing. In my observations I came up with the, highly unscientific, conclusion that approximately .8% of the tummies I checked out could be deemed as "perfect." And those .8% women were fully clothed, so I'm left to wonder if their abs included any imperfections that couldn't be detected through clothing...and I have a creeping suspicion that even those ladies have their share self loathing moments in front of the mirror.  


The most interesting part of my midsection review is that none of the bodies that I glanced at caused me repulsion. Yet I have, literally, been so repulsed by own body that I wouldn't even wear certain clothing because of the anxiety it caused me. And yet, there I was just noticing how stomachs looked and had no reaction other than just observing. How is it that an area of one's body can cause such tremendous personal turmoil and to another person it means nothing?


I've got a hunch – a gut feeling (pun intended) – that if I could look at myself through those some non-critical, observation-only eyes that I used this weekend, I'd notice a much different me. Yes, you there lady in the mirror, your stomach does pooch out. Hey, self, yep – two pregnancies (not to mention puberty, weight gain/loss, age) has, indeed, left some stretch marks and a jiggly belly. There is nothing more to say, feel, or critique here...so, walk away from the mirror and go have a big fierce day.





P.S. Check out this amazing song "Pot Belly" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObVpeJ6U2G4

Fierce Solo Love

If I ever utter the words “you complete me” to someone, it better be only to my own reflection in the mirror. If I can't be complete in my own skin and in my own company then I really don't have any business being romantically involved with someone thinking that they will bring completion. Since being rejected several weeks back I have taken some serious inventory of not only the characters in my dating history but the role they have played. I've thoroughly thought over the people I dated and contemplated (heavily!) why I put up with their shit for any longer than 10 minutes after the shit was exposed.

Admittedly, some of these thoughts would not have occurred to me if it hadn't been for the book He's Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, which I recently devoured in one evening. Since this isn't a book review blog (and, more importantly, since I'm not getting paid to write reviews) I won't go in to a long discussion on the book. But I will say that it is a fantastic read and it is painfully straight forward. I highly recommend it. While the book is targeted for straight single females - I think any one (straight, bi, gay, female, male, single, married, divorced) can glean from it ideas about being treated well by people we allow in our life and not lowering one's standards simply to avoid being alone.

Fierce body love is officially no longer just skin deep for me...I'm starting to fiercely love my soul, too. In fact, I love my soul so fiercely and care in such a big way about where my life is going, that I'm ready to consider that just might mean me being partner-less and single...and, I think I'm (going to be) okay with that. There is so much I hate about being single– the dateless weekend nights, the dateless weekday nights, not having someone to look forward to seeing, being alone in the evenings, no regular sex, having no one to share responsibilities, fun, laughter, emotions, or love with. But as I take stock over that lovely dating history of mine, I realize that I never actually found anyone to truly share those things with. Sure, there were moments of good (or at least, moments of “okay”) but if any of the people I shared those times with were of any quality or substance, then - hey! News flash! - I wouldn't be single right now.

I realize that, for the most part, the people I dated and the relationships I was in caused me more pain, confusion, mistrust, self-doubt, uncertainty, suspicion, anger, sadness, loneliness, and heartache than I cared to previously recognize. I have enough of those emotions and negativity in my life due to my own insecurities, I certainly don't need someone hanging around whose behavior causes that negativity to increase. As Mary J. Blige sings, “I can do bad all by myself.” And, as Greg Behnerdt points out, “You can feel like crap and be alone. Or feel like crap and at least have someone to spend the holidays with...the only two options you are giving yourself involve feeling like crap.” Time to replace some crap with some fierce love.

For me, getting rid of the crap and fiercely embracing self-love means: I'd rather hire a babysitter and take myself out for a nice dinner and a movie than to sit in my room crying and obsessing over what the f is so heinously horrible about me that I can't score a date. I'd rather completely enjoy a weekend trip alone rather than to stay in cell phone range checking every other minute to see if I've accidentally missed any calls, texts, emails, or FaceBook messages from the person I've been going out with (and obsessing over why s/he hasn't gotten a hold of me...everything's been going so well...what could I have possibly said or done to make him/her not contact me). I'd rather fill up my calendar with outings with friends, fun family activities, solo date nights, and even to work some overtime a month in advance rather than keep an empty calendar just in case the gal/guy I'm totally crushing on asks me out. I'd rather fiercely love myself than hate myself because no one else will love me. I'd rather have fierce self-love than be in love with someone who clearly doesn't love me on a level that I can feel her/his love. I'd rather be fiercely alone than with someone who makes feel lonely.

The reflection in the mirror is all I've got today. If I'm truly embracing where my body is, today, right now, in this moment, present-tense/present-day, than I'm also ready to embrace my whole self – relationship status included. If I'm going to be miserable, let me be so because of my own mistakes – not because of someone I'm involved with. And if I'm going to be happy, let it be by my own doing – not because of someone I've involved with. I don't need to be romantically involved with any one. I am already fiercely complete.

Fierce Love > Big Rejection

(Alternative titles of this post, according to my wonderfully supportive cousin/close friend: "Some People Deserve to be Kicked in the Face" or "Most People are Generally Decent, but Some Are A Complete Waste of Air") 

Several years ago I was engaged to be married. The person I was engaged to had a lot to say, regularly, about my short comings – my weight (“I was watching you sleep last night and I wondered how it would feel to have gained that much weight.”), the things I liked (“I'm just now sure if I can stay with you if you can't be more interested in the things I'm interested in.”), my religious views (“God isn't all fluffy and lovey. He's full of vengeance and wrath – you need to be more aware.”), and my personality (“You're so happy all time its made you naive.”). I spent so much time trying to change and modify who I was that I lost myself. In the end the “new me” wasn't good enough for my fiancee any way (“You're so serious and depressed all the time – what happened to the happy girl you used to be?”). We never got married. Thank. Goodness.

Despite an engagement that didn't stick, I find that I still play a silly game when it comes to dating. At the start of a new relationship, especially those first few dates, I tend to wear clothes that I normally don't wear, put makeup on more frequently, take extra time with my hair, make sure that my house and car are always neat and tidy, and try to do the things that I think the other person will like. If I start to question how things are going or am concerned about the behaviors of the other person, I generally keep quiet – after all, this is new and I don't want to rock the boat. But all of that is ridiculous. How is someone supposed to get to know ME, if I'm so busy acting in ways that aren't true to myself?

I've had some terrible experiences on the dating scene and while I'd like to blame all the “thems” that I've gone out with, there is a common denominator that needs some attention – ME. Here is where I get fiercely honest with myself – the same thing is going to keep happening unless something changes. Lately, I made some changes. In the spirit of fierce self love – I have been determined to be myself, should the opportunity present itself for a date, without the silly dating game. Rather than looking for a potential relationship, I've stayed focused on self-love, positive body image, and acknowledging that I'm a pretty darn decent person.

When I look in the mirror I am starting to see my piercing hazel eyes, full lips, wild 'n free lusty curls, and stunning smile that I posses and like about myself. I remind myself of the qualities that I admire most in myself and remember that I have a long list of positive ideas of who I am. I've been clicking along quite happily - fiercely loving myself - and even found myself on the road to, what I thought, might be a romantic relationship. For the first time in years (ever?) I laid aside all the games and was just ME.

Let me tell you, fierce body/self love is all fun and games until someone gets rejected. And I have been rejected. Actually, to be more accurate, I've been ignored, forgotten, and dismissed. It's been a rough few weeks. Rejection is one of the worst (emotional) pains that I know. To make matters worse I am sincerely confused – I don't know what happened or why it happened. And since I haven't been given the decency of returned calls, texts, or other forms of communication, I likely will never know. This is where the fierce self love rubber hits the road.

Now when I stand in front of the mirror, I must fight past the nasty thoughts creeping in (you're too fat/too ugly/too old – that's why you were rejected) because I am the same person that I was a few weeks ago with the piercing hazel eyes, full lips, wild 'n free lusty curls, and stunning smile. I STILL admire and possess those attributes with or without someone's rejection. The rejection belongs to that person. I am left with me and I will fiercely carry on, rejected head held high.

Being Big

Children are encouraged to be big. "Wow! What a big boy/girl you are!" "Stop that; you're too big to act like that!" "You're a big kid now, you get to do big kid stuff." "Oh  my gosh! Look at how big s/he's getting!" "You are a big boy/girl now, you get to go to preschool." "You're getting so big!" "When you're a big kid, you can ________." There is even a cute little baby game where mommy/daddy asks, "How big is baby?" , baby outstretches arms, and everyone coos "Soooooo, big!"  One of my favorites from a tv jingle, "Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!" When you're a kid big is cool, big is wonderful, big is an aspiration. Big doesn't equate size; big equates power, privilege, and pride.

Somewhere in the midst of child to preteen, big is not so cool any more. Big is bad. Big is ugly. Big is gross. Big is fat. Big means teasable, non-datable,  have-to-proof-yourself-able. While the world is busy screaming "bigger is better" through super sized drinks, suv's, double car garages, mall of America, and multi-level homes, the big person competes to be the biggest looser. We have fallen from privilege to looser - all in the name of big.

I distinctly remember sitting in my middle school counselor's office, handfuls of  tear stained Kleenex balled in my fists, because I was too big. He pointed out that big doesn't always mean size, that big can also mean big ideas, or a big smile. Yeah. Right. We went through a long list of good things that are big. At the end of our time, he asked me "So, what does it mean to be big?" I vividly remember the tears sting my eyes, a lump form in my throat and the word "FAT" sending booming echos through my brain. He smiled and said, "It doesn't have to mean size, does it?" I shook my head and mustered a "no." Yeah. Right. 

In honor of my middle school counselor (18 years later I think I get it!), I have compiled my too big list. I am big and here is what is big about me:

ideas
smile
passion
perseverance
thighs
compassion
desire
thoughts
butt
awareness
concern
helpfulness
contributions
hair
voice
understanding
knowledge
laugh
will-power
sociability
feet
goals
actions
dreams
spirituality
love
 
I am big...complete with BIG fierce body love.